My Story
As some of you may know, October is miscarriage and stillbirth awareness month...
The only thing I have really spoken freely about is suffering with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.
Also commonly known in short as PCOS - unfortunately there is no cure, and it will never go away and will effect myself and many others for the rest of our lives.
*TMI* some things I discuss some people may find upsetting so just a pre-warning.
*TMI* some things I discuss some people may find upsetting so just a pre-warning.
Common symptoms of PCOS include:
- irregular periods or no periods at all.
- difficulty getting pregnant (because of irregular ovulation or failure to ovulate)
- excessive hair growth (hirsutism) – usually on the face, chest, back or buttocks.
- weight gain/ pelvic pain
- thinning hair and hair loss from the head.
- oily skin or acne, anxiety & depression
Polycystic ovarian syndrome, or PCOS, is a condition in which a woman’s levels of the sex hormones estrogen and progesterone are out of balance. This leads to the growth of ovarian cysts (benign masses on the ovaries). PCOS can cause problems with a women’s menstrual cycle, fertility, cardiac function, and appearance. Also having PCOS can often cause miscarriage
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From about the age of 9 I always knew something wasn't quite right, to this day I have always suffered with severe heavy periods, that often leave me ghostly looking and drained curled up in pain... each doctor I seen about it growing up said ' give it time you're young there's nothing wrong it's just part of growing into a woman.
I think it was mid 2013 when there was a new trainee doctor, so as I needed to go I just went ahead to see if he was decent or not.... He spent a good 20-30 minutes with me listening to all the things I had been suffering from and explained that doctors forever pushed me away!
The next thing he said was right I think I may know what it is, but to confirm this I want to urgently send you for a load of scans to see what's going on.
2 weeks later, I was laying in bed with my boyfriend and I had the dreaded phone call..
He wanted me over the doctors right away that same day, I then looked to my boyfriend and said I told you so, I knew it! before we even left he said 'I have a funny feeling it is pcos baby'
So being the amazing, supportive man he is we walked over and anxiously waited for my name to be called... my fears came true it was PCOS. When I got home, I just broke down..
At this point I hadn't really heard about it before as it wasn't that well known, it's still not spoken about enough, but a lot more heard of than when I got a diagnosis.
I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother, so I was just petrified that it would never happen to me. Fast forward to around april 2014...
I had not long started a traineeship, I completed my 2 week training and went onto my placement to work for Birmingham city council as an admin.
I loved it there and I was doing so well, but after completing my first month out of 3 I started having the odd day off here and there.... but for genuine reasons.
I started having severe dizzy spells and being lightheaded to the point I could not walk and needed lifts. I had missed a period but I put that down to PCOS and never having as many cycles as I should, but 2 weeks after that I had a feeling I was pregnant, I was doing tests all the time and just constantly saying no, as most people with pcos know it's hard to get a big fat positive due to our HCG levels not being strong enough to pick up.
I worked out that I should of been around 5 weeks pregnant,
I done a cheapo test from asda and my heart felt like it was going to jump out my chest,
Something I thought would never happen ... happened!
- Myself and my boyfriend went round to purchase a clear blue test, the digital one that tells you if you're pregnant and the date if you are..
I was so nervous that I couldn't sleep all night, so it came to about 5am May 2014,
Sam was asleep and I couldn't wait any longer, so I done the test and just as I thought I was 5 weeks pregnant, I went in to wake him up and although he was half asleep his face just lit up!
We were getting books about pregnancy/what to expect/ new parents etc, we sat together reading through these books, it was amazing.. that feeling of love for our baby we had just felt amazing, and for the first time I just felt so lucky and happy.
A week after at 6 weeks 2 days I got a doppler delivered to his house as I knew I would be at his. Some people hear their baby at 6 weeks some people do at 7 it just depends.
We would take it in turns to find the heartbeat, I couldn't believe his face saying come on baby let's hear you.. the smile when he did was just so comforting for both of us.
He would touch and kiss my tummy, there's nothing sweeter and precious than that!!
At 8-9 weeks I had some spotting, I rang 111 and explained it's my first pregnancy and I also have pcos, they didn't want to know unless I was severely bleeding.
The next day I woke up, I couldn't move. myself and the mattress was just covered in blood.
I started crying I couldn't believe it I knew something was wrong, I then went to the toilet where I sadly passed our beautiful angel, Addison.
The early pregnancy unit couldn't even see me till around 4 days later,
I was made to sit there in a room full of expectant mothers whilst I'd just lost my baby.
After the wait I went for scans, they were rude and just said I can't see no evidence.
I felt like screaming saying that yeah because I passed baby 4 days prior to that,
I then went on to have my bloods done, the woman said if my levels were still high they were going to admit me to hospital that same day, I had the phone call to say there was still some levels there, but not high enough to keep me in.
My boyfriend explained to his work what went on and took his 2 days holiday off to spend extra time with me, it was such a horrible experience and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.
For days, weeks, months I would cry and cry, we were so excited to parent and raise our beautiful baby, but yet got took away from us too soon.
On the 24th of January 2016 is our Addison's 1st birthday as a beautiful angel.
I will be releasing some balloons with a little message just to celebrate, it will be hard but I know Addison would be proud. When I do have another child, or if I even can I'll never replace Addison, I'll tell our baby stories on how they have a precious angel watching over them.
_____________________________________________________________________________
After ages of thinking of designs and what I wanted to be drew up, a very kind girl I know called Fiona offered to draw me something up and that she feels so happy that I chose her to do my special tattoo in memory of Addison.
On the 3rd of October 2015 I went to get my tattoo,
The majority of the time I looked at Fiona tattooing my arm, I was just so excited to see the finished result. I am so grateful for the hard work she put into it, I'll forever be thankful!
She deserves more recognition for her work, it would mean the world to Fiona if you could check her out, and hopefully get a tattoo by her!
Fiona's tattoo work Instagram is - fionalewitttattoo
For any questions/information contact her e-mail - fionalewitttattoo@gmail.com
Their shop has a Facebook page - Black Market Tattoos
Fiona is based in Leicester, UK.
The shop she works at is called Black market tattoos, in Leicester city centre.
I will post a picture of my tattoo below <3
On the left is her amazing work!
Thank you to those who will most likely read this post,
Please remember don't feel afraid to speak out,don't feel alone..
There's always people willing to listen and support you!
Our angels will forever be in our hearts!! <3 xo
I think it was mid 2013 when there was a new trainee doctor, so as I needed to go I just went ahead to see if he was decent or not.... He spent a good 20-30 minutes with me listening to all the things I had been suffering from and explained that doctors forever pushed me away!
The next thing he said was right I think I may know what it is, but to confirm this I want to urgently send you for a load of scans to see what's going on.
2 weeks later, I was laying in bed with my boyfriend and I had the dreaded phone call..
He wanted me over the doctors right away that same day, I then looked to my boyfriend and said I told you so, I knew it! before we even left he said 'I have a funny feeling it is pcos baby'
So being the amazing, supportive man he is we walked over and anxiously waited for my name to be called... my fears came true it was PCOS. When I got home, I just broke down..
At this point I hadn't really heard about it before as it wasn't that well known, it's still not spoken about enough, but a lot more heard of than when I got a diagnosis.
I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother, so I was just petrified that it would never happen to me. Fast forward to around april 2014...
I had not long started a traineeship, I completed my 2 week training and went onto my placement to work for Birmingham city council as an admin.
I loved it there and I was doing so well, but after completing my first month out of 3 I started having the odd day off here and there.... but for genuine reasons.
I started having severe dizzy spells and being lightheaded to the point I could not walk and needed lifts. I had missed a period but I put that down to PCOS and never having as many cycles as I should, but 2 weeks after that I had a feeling I was pregnant, I was doing tests all the time and just constantly saying no, as most people with pcos know it's hard to get a big fat positive due to our HCG levels not being strong enough to pick up.
I worked out that I should of been around 5 weeks pregnant,
I done a cheapo test from asda and my heart felt like it was going to jump out my chest,
Something I thought would never happen ... happened!
- Myself and my boyfriend went round to purchase a clear blue test, the digital one that tells you if you're pregnant and the date if you are..
I was so nervous that I couldn't sleep all night, so it came to about 5am May 2014,
Sam was asleep and I couldn't wait any longer, so I done the test and just as I thought I was 5 weeks pregnant, I went in to wake him up and although he was half asleep his face just lit up!
We were getting books about pregnancy/what to expect/ new parents etc, we sat together reading through these books, it was amazing.. that feeling of love for our baby we had just felt amazing, and for the first time I just felt so lucky and happy.
A week after at 6 weeks 2 days I got a doppler delivered to his house as I knew I would be at his. Some people hear their baby at 6 weeks some people do at 7 it just depends.
We would take it in turns to find the heartbeat, I couldn't believe his face saying come on baby let's hear you.. the smile when he did was just so comforting for both of us.
He would touch and kiss my tummy, there's nothing sweeter and precious than that!!
At 8-9 weeks I had some spotting, I rang 111 and explained it's my first pregnancy and I also have pcos, they didn't want to know unless I was severely bleeding.
The next day I woke up, I couldn't move. myself and the mattress was just covered in blood.
I started crying I couldn't believe it I knew something was wrong, I then went to the toilet where I sadly passed our beautiful angel, Addison.
The early pregnancy unit couldn't even see me till around 4 days later,
I was made to sit there in a room full of expectant mothers whilst I'd just lost my baby.
After the wait I went for scans, they were rude and just said I can't see no evidence.
I felt like screaming saying that yeah because I passed baby 4 days prior to that,
I then went on to have my bloods done, the woman said if my levels were still high they were going to admit me to hospital that same day, I had the phone call to say there was still some levels there, but not high enough to keep me in.
My boyfriend explained to his work what went on and took his 2 days holiday off to spend extra time with me, it was such a horrible experience and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.
For days, weeks, months I would cry and cry, we were so excited to parent and raise our beautiful baby, but yet got took away from us too soon.
On the 24th of January 2016 is our Addison's 1st birthday as a beautiful angel.
I will be releasing some balloons with a little message just to celebrate, it will be hard but I know Addison would be proud. When I do have another child, or if I even can I'll never replace Addison, I'll tell our baby stories on how they have a precious angel watching over them.
_____________________________________________________________________________
After ages of thinking of designs and what I wanted to be drew up, a very kind girl I know called Fiona offered to draw me something up and that she feels so happy that I chose her to do my special tattoo in memory of Addison.
On the 3rd of October 2015 I went to get my tattoo,
The majority of the time I looked at Fiona tattooing my arm, I was just so excited to see the finished result. I am so grateful for the hard work she put into it, I'll forever be thankful!
She deserves more recognition for her work, it would mean the world to Fiona if you could check her out, and hopefully get a tattoo by her!
Fiona's tattoo work Instagram is - fionalewitttattoo
For any questions/information contact her e-mail - fionalewitttattoo@gmail.com
Their shop has a Facebook page - Black Market Tattoos
Fiona is based in Leicester, UK.
The shop she works at is called Black market tattoos, in Leicester city centre.
I will post a picture of my tattoo below <3
Thank you to those who will most likely read this post,
Please remember don't feel afraid to speak out,don't feel alone..
There's always people willing to listen and support you!
Our angels will forever be in our hearts!! <3 xo
So Beautiful, You're so strong for getting through this and having Sam with you by your side he's a good man <3 love you girl xx
ReplyDeleteThank you my darling :) means a lot to me!
DeleteLove you too xxo